Why is cricket not a popular sport in the USA?

Imagine if an American could design their perfect game. I imagine it would have:

• Very high scores… in region of 200 / 300 points per team
• It should rarely, if ever, end in a tie
• It should last maybe 2–3 hours
• It should have a ready made TV advert break every few minutes
• It should be leisurely enough for the stadium audience to enjoy a carnival atmosphere… drink beer, fill their face with food, and enjoy distractions such as cheerleaders and music. Yet it should be punctuated with moments of intensity and controversy
• It should include moments of technology-induced jeopardy, e.g. video referee decisions, on-field challenges, etc.
• Should contain teams with colourful outfits and impressive sounding names, like “the Jets” or the “Outlaws”.
• Should demonstrate moments of impressive athleticism
• It should be conceptually simple (man throws ball at man with bat) but, under the hood, complex enough to be interesting.
• It should have lots of lots of stats

• No… really… LOADS of stats

Basically… it’s T20. I understand the historical issues, but honestly, beyond that, I never understood why short-form Cricket never took off in America. It basically fits perfectly into their culture .